Guys...

Seriously. I hate it when guys cheat, flirt or do whatever nasty shits behind the other partner's back. They fucking deserve no respect and they can fucking go eat their own shit. I cannot tolerate all this. Even if it does not relate to me at all. Why must all the guys use their fucking dick to think? Why didn't they want to treasure the woman right before their eyes who love and give them their 100%?

And, why is it to unfair that girls always take a longer time to heal the heartaches men left behind? When is it gonna be men's turn? They should experience how we felt and how torturous it is for us to move on bit by bit.

It suck being a woman, because we're always at the losing end. If we were to cheat, we're sluts. If men cheat, the women deserves it because she's whiny/demanding/etc.

Not trying to be bias. There are actually real bitches out there. But majority of women is suffering because of a living thing called "men".

2010 is ending!

HELLO!

2010 is coming to an end very very very soon!! 

It will be our 6th year welcoming a new year together. Hehehe!

Anyway, its gonna be a week already and I am still sick. 

I think I totally deserve the virus to drag on...

I ate salmon skin, tom yum and those heaty food together with FC when we're working. 

Everytime eat their scones and tiramisu. Hahahaha!

Cannot tahan those nice food. :( 

AND AND!!

Today is my off day and I kept sleeping because the flu makes me very sleepy.

Now, I'm up doing the stupid useless project. 

Seriously, I hate this semester.

Arghhhhh.. Hopefully it will end like damn fast, take my module exams and *poof*.

Now I think about it, I don't mind not entering into HR anymore. Since I don't intend to go Uni and just get my diploma cert will do, no point making myself so stressed up. Everyone was like telling me the grades does not matter if you don't intend to go Uni. Right right?

It just sums all up to your personality and how you fair in the interview to get a job you ever wanted. 

I think I can fair quite well during interviews one la. Lol! So not a major prob for me. 

I'm feeling sleepy again and Ben is not allowed to use his phone... :(

12 hours of not hearing from him, kill me plz.

And, something to be happy for!!!

Ben is off on 30th, 31st and 1st!!! Which means we can celebrate the new year together again at his place!

Last year also like that! Hehehehe! I can't wait!!

FASTER COME!! 

And tomorrow he's fetching me from work. Awwwwww!!! MY BABY!! 

So bloody sweet sometimes. Haha!

Bye bye everyone! 

Xmas eve

On the eve of the Christmas....

I fall sick.

My eyes are so swollen.

I feel so weak.

And...

I'm working till closing..

To think we're closing at 6pm initially brightens me up. Now, at 10pm!! I reach Yishun already what time liao. :( Next day work again till closing!! They better give me half day on New Year's Eve. If not this job is damn shitty. Moreover, no people come in to the shop and yet they wanna open till so late. KNS.

Don't care lor. I am gonna open their box of tiramisu and happily eat it today. If not what is no desserts on Christmas?! 

It is really that pathetic sometimes.

This has become a need.

It has been so damn long since the both of us go out for a date. So damn long. Just the both of us. Sigh. He's busy with his trainings and I am busy with school and work. The only time that we can actually sit down, relax and have a talk face to face is after my work and when he's out of camp. That is like either Friday or Saturday. But.. Most of the time, I am so tired that I just fall asleep unknowingly.. Just like last night. I wanted to watch an online movie with him but I fall asleep on his shoulders. End up he wake me up, paused the show, switch off the laptop and we both went to sleep. 

Why did it become this way? :( 

No time for each other in a relationship is such a torture. 

The worst thing is.. With my projects on hand, I really really don't even have time for myself nor for my family and him...

Sigh.

If not for the money, I will not even work at all. 

I think I should just stop procrastinating. Its getting nowhere and I believe I can sort this out. There isn't anything that cannot be done.

I am this bored. That tired.

But I am gonna persevere no matter what. I am gonna have my 1 month pay soon.

I reckon it will be gone damn fast.

Need to bring kiki to the vet to get his arthritis medicine.

Need to buy my shoe super urgent. 

Buy new specs. 

See, all gone. 

Missyou

2 more weeks. Just 2 more and you're officially out of HTA and never return to that place anymore.

From then, meeting you will not be a hassle and I can see you more often.

I can't wait because I've endured this for nearly 7 months. Its enough enough. 

I don't know why do I always have to suffer an extra mile. 

*** 

Why do I keep dreaming of you? :(

How are you doing over at the other world?

Is there something you want to tell me?

Sad life

After I started working, I si bei no life at all. :(

SO TIRED. SO VERY TIRED. But I'll persevere!!!!

POP

Mirror damn dirty. So not girly me cuz don't bother cleaning the mirror. 

Ben POP LOH!!!!!!

SO HAPPY!!!! I waited for fucking 6 months okay! Argh.

Anyway!!! He's being posted to the HQ and he works every 2 days rest 2 days! :D 

MORE TIME FOR ME.

SAY YAY!

Boring

So many things happened. I can foresee that the rest of the days will be equally bad. Serious.

My lappie is lagging big time.

Finally

Ben is gonna POP in 3 days time! And I specifically took leave that day to actually see his parade! I know he wanted me to go so badly because initially I am working that day. Now that I can go, he's a happy boy.

I can't wait for his posting.

And we are planning a short getaway next year probably during my birthday month near march. Batam, Bintan or Bali? Me want Bali. Bali so pwetty.

And I know what is my birthday present next year. :D :D :D

Random

Hey peeps, I am still very much alive and kicking ass. Hahahahahaha! Been pretty busy lately as ICAs are all piling up. Damn it. I just had my Macroecons paper on Monday and it is farrrrrrrking tricky and difficult! 

"Eh.. This answer like can leh. *sees ans b* No leh.. B also like correct leh." And fuck it, its MCQ.

Tell me why must lecturers make students' life so difficult. Make it easier mah.. You happy, I happy! Okay.. That aside. 

I started work on Mondayeheheh! I'm lovin' it. I'm loving how every hour makes me earn 6bucks. Hahahahahaha! I'd rather work than stay at home, stare at facebook and fucking no life. Although it can be quite tough for me now because I have to memorise the benefits but I am sure I can do it! And, work with FC tomorrow! 

And today.... My sis left for New Zealand for 3 months.. :( I cried laa. Damn useless me. She's leaving me again. No us. But its gonna be a good exposure for her.. However, I am STILL worried. Fuck it. Whenever I think of how she was "con" I fucking du lan. 

I will never forgive that particular person. NEVER. OVER-MY-DEAD-BODY.

Crazy Attica day. Bon voyage! <3

Come what it may be.

I am prepared for everything, anything.

Goodnight, sweet dreams. Its time to start chanting. :)

I can sense that something is not right and things are gonna change very soon. I'm starting work next week. That is like 1 week before ICAs. :( Anyway, I believe I can do it. Juggling both studies and work at the same time might be tiring but I won't give up my job because of my studies, vice versa. I need the money so much & I want my diploma so much.

I'm suspecting kiki to have rheumatism. :( Weather is cold these days in the night and my baby has been crying in the night these days. Sigh. I need money to bring him to the vet. That will be like 1 month from now. Although I hate humid weathers, but I just want the weather NOT to be cold these days so that baby will feel better in the night. I just hope my dad will stop feeding him human medications because it might take him away from me one day. I am not prepared for it and I don't want this day to come.

I need the job I need the money to provide for kiki and myself.

Sometimes, they are not so dependable at all.

Succumbing

Sometimes, you just have to succumb to life.

I totally agree with this quote "Everything in life is luck. ~Donald Trump". Don't you agree with it? What is life without luck? Nothing. You will see yourself in your worst state when you're down on luck. Trust me. Did you have any downfall of it yet? Wait till your turn come, then you'll realise how important luck actually is. Everyone will feel unlucky, be unlucky or maybe be unlucky for many years. But, don't give up because no one will be unlucky forever. There will be a day when you're too busy receiving luck.. That is when you make good use of it and not take it for granted. 


On a side note, I am just wondering.. Does having a religion enlighten you or destroy you? Tell me about it.

FML DAY!

YAY! Today is fuck my life day!

Fucking shiok because kena fuck till sibei jia lat.

Baby Chloe; Muji; Max Brenner; PT Job

Past week

Baby Chloe. Love her shock face.

***

Ion with Ben. Muji's pen ftw.

***

Max Brenner with FC! Fucking awesomely good stuff.

***

Ben came over to my place today because I need to complete my Marketing project. <3 So thoughtful. Hehehehe! 

Anyway, he bought my Monopoly Deal because I've been telling him how fun it is and he bought it for me. Yayyay! Oh, and he bought me a mouse coz the mouse my bro bought was spoilt like 2 months ago. Happy! 

Played Monopoly deal with him and he kept winning. Fucking angry okay! Out of so many games I only won him twice. His dumbass strategy fucking good which I think.. Not many people can do it. He totally pwn my sis and I la! Fucking idiotic and I ignored him. Hahahahahahaahaha! Fucking sore loser me. So what?! I'm his girlfriend, he should let ME WIN. Don't care lor. 

And my kiki so cute and lovely. Love him many many.

No love for Ben today because he kept winning and don't let me win. 

Anyway, I got the job as a retailer or some sort. :) Damn happy because I am working with FC! The boss called me this evening and told me to meet her on Tuesday! Yippie yay! Been wanting to work as a part timer for a very long time but I don't think I can manage. But looking at this situation now.. I think I can! :D Anyway, I'm really happy that I can work there! My family is supporting my decision. Hehe! Needless to say, Ben is totally 100% supporting me although meeting him will become lesser. :( But still he's happy for me and he pat pat me. Hahahahaha!

Now, I've got this little income Ben and I can finally lessen our burden. Because my dad is not working now because of the accident few months back. My allowance was cut by nearly half because of that.. And I don't have much savings. So Ben mostly paid for everything when we go out with his that little amount of money. He said he don't mind at all but I feel bad. Really bad. This job just come right on time!! Thank you FC!! Thank you so much for introducing me this job! I'm really grateful!!

Everything is just great! 

Life is just that great sometimes even though this is littlest thing. 

Goodbye

Sometimes, many people took things for granted. Because of that it set me thinking, why be so nice?

Life suck so much for the past week. 

I learnt something today. Control. I controlled myself and shifted my direction to something new. It feels so good. So fucking good.

I hate people who tries too hard. Come on, don't bother trying. You still suck in every way.

Eff writing tomorrow. Got a feeling I will fail cuz my tutor suck and she's a full time fucking emo and paranoid bitch who can't teach for fuck sake. 

It can buy happiness

Sometimes, I think that being rich can actually buy you happiness. Well, that is what I think. You may not agree with me but you gotta read on to maybe... partially agree with me.

Have you ever wanted that "thing" so much that you realised that you didn't have money to buy it? Then, you have to work so hard to earn that pathetic little amount from your part time job, you bought that "thing". You're broke once again.

Tell me, how many of you actually worked as a part timer to get stuffs that your parents wouldn't agree to buy it for you? Well, me.

I did not exactly work as a part timer but I saved so damn bloody hard to get the things I want. I am never born with a silver spoon nor my parents are rich. Mind you, some parents are NOT rich but their kids are pampered like anything whatever okay! I am not given extra allowances like many other kids do these days. Well, my allowances can cover my transport and food expenses. Sometimes, I heng appetite small then I'll have savings. But normally the allowances I had is enough for me to bypass the week.

I am NOT blaming my parents for not giving me more money for my allowances nor am I blaming them for not being rich.

If.. my parents were rich I wouldn't have to think about all these stuffs.. I can at least 80% get the things that I wanted so much. I don't have to worry about wanting to get more money from them in fear that the household allowances is not enough.

Wouldn't that make me happier and free from worries? I've never ask money from my parents at all since young. Neither did I even tell them to buy me things. Sometimes, they cut my allowance but I did not even bother to ask them why. I know the reason why. I fucking know it.

All the things that I own is all what I saved.

Haha. Anyway, this post is just so random. Some may not agree with me. But who wouldn't wanna be rich and buy whatever stuffs that you want without worrying? Don't tell me you don't lor because humans are just some greedy fucks that is surviving with a thing called money. Anyhoo, I am not complaining about my parents or whatever shits that you may think of. I am indeed thankful that they shelter me with food, clothes and love. :) THIS, is a necessity! <3

Seriously, what the fucking fuck is wrong with you? What troubles did I fucking create?! Is sometimes those brainless stupid assholes talk some ljwei to me okay! So they come jiao wei with me means I create trouble la. What the fuck?! I sb angry like anything now. I know sometimes I will swear like anything but that is because I am fucking angry. Please! For fuck sake go fuck yourself.

AND PLEASE, I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER CREATING ANY TROUBLES OKAY. And I don't know how the hell did you even THINK that I create trouble?! For the LYX guy who is just a piece of shit who talks senseless things to me came adding me on MSN. Didn't even give 2 fucks about it until he come jiao wei simi lan jiao things with me then I shoot back okay! You think I so free go entertain him ah. He siao kia wanna sign simi peace treaty with you hor. Ended up he said sorry what when I confronted him. SO I CREATE TROUBLE AH.

SIAO EH!!!!! Seriously, go fucking get the facts right. Don't always BELITTLE ME IN SUCH WAYS. I believe sometimes I am calmer than you and smarter than you in a way. You're just witty, that's all. THAT'S ALL YOU FUCKING GET IT. Nothing but witty.

Bull shit is what makes you. _|_

Daily night routine.

Cleanse my face with bodyshop seaweed facial wash.
Used Follow Me UV O2 white toner then moisturiser.

Sometimes before moisturiser, I'll put on my St Ives Clay mask or MBS Pearl mask.

Must do for me for a better skin! Anyway, I've started using anti aging products because its time.. Gonna start young before its too late. I think.. The ideal age to start using should be 20 and above.

Hooray for better complexion. Oh and I don't usually put any powder on my face already since its getting better, don't need hide it anymore!

I'm a leopard who changes its spots, but no one ever sees it.

Can I say, people always thought that I have bad intentions? I did not.. Really...

Sometimes I just think that my life is not worth living for. It was so dramatic that I cannot take it anymore. Please stop fooling me.. I've went through my fair share of mishaps. Its time I see life in a beautiful way.. Please..

How many people actually still do come to this space? I bet there's none?

No one can understand how I feel. Tell me, who can see the change in me? None I guess. People always portray me to be grumpy, fierce and unfriendly. But I am none of these now. Who knows? None. I am willing to compromise what I think is for the better for everyone. But it seems that no one actually give a damn about it. I really wonder why did I change so much over the years.. Sometimes I just wished that none of those shits happened and I can be me. I don't worry about anything in the past & I say what I like. Now.. I have to think of words to say because I'm afraid some may not like it. I care.. I care for everyone.. I treasure.. I treasure every single one of you around me. But.. Who actually feel the same way as I do? Again, none?

It is not that I wanna shut myself out from everyone. I always feel safe in my nutshell. Always..

This week is such a bad week. I feel hurt, sad, angry and useless. Nothing seems to be in place. I've lost someone and soon another one.. Do they even know the hurt they caused? It was so unbearable.. I shiver in fear everytime I think of it.

I need hugs or just a pat..

Who is willing to give me free hugs? I will gladly accept it. Can I say thank you in advance first?

I'll keep these memories

Although I still can feel the heartaches but I'm feeling better. I'm still missing you as much. I don't hope for anything now. I will pray for you. I will keep these memories with me till I grow old. You'll still be around for another 45 days. I hope you will come into my dreams and tell me why did you said sorry..

I'll go touch up tattoo for you. Make it nice nice since its fading kinda badly. I promise.

I still can't let go..

Tell me what/how should I do to make me feel better? Whenever I'm alone I thought of you. The pain you went through. The day you held me hand. Everything... Images of you kept appearing in my mind. You smiling so cheerfully and your ever loud voice.. You showing me your tattoos and asking me to touch it cuz you said some of it should not be popping out and the artist used a lousy ink..

I was at your wake yesterday. Do you know I'm there? I really miss you a lot..

Why did you have to go.

Always in my heart

Every flashbacks of us came running through my mind. Suddenly, I remember every single detail of us together. It was a funny one. You used to be the bully back in primary school with the guys in class. Bully me till like there's no tomorrow. You know how much I used to dislike you so much back then? Haha. You're so playful and I remember you can run like damn fast. Oh and your center parting, that is like the coolest shit ever back in our days and you always love to take out your orange comb and comb your those little amount of fringe. Haha. After PSLE, we lost contact. 

It was 4 years ago that you found me on friendster, complimenting that I became prettier. Hehe. Back in primary school you always say that I'm fat and whichever nasty words to me. Was surprise that you actually find the fat and ugly girl when she's 11 to be pretty 5 years later. We added each other on MSN and then we exchange numbers. But we never texted each other at all.. Until one day you decided to text me and asked me how am I doing. You text me at the right time, my boy. It was the time when I am so fucking down and depressed that you came into my life and asked me to stay strong and be by my side whenever you can. Seeing you with so many tattoos on your arms and body it make me pop you the question "Your tattoo not pain meh?". Being the always like to act suave guy, you said "No la. Not pain at all".. I was wondering, how can it be? And told you I wanted to have one and you this steady pom pi pi guy agreed immediately. 

I met you after school after not seeing you for so many years.. It was so awkward that I feel like running away from you. You grew so tall and handsome BUT still as skinny as ever. We took the train to Chinatown and during the whole journey you kept trying to make me talk. But haha I was still as quiet. Your plan totally fail la! When we reached your friend's shop, they thought that I am your girlfriend. But haha you said something like "No la. If yes then good lor.". Making me so paiseh like anything. Then it was choosing of my tattoo design. Initially I wanted a small fairy but you said that why put so small. Put a bigger one. So you helped me choose the sparrow above because you said that it was unique and it suits me. I agreed. The whole process took about 4 hours. You said that I am so brave because I did everything at one go, the lining and the shading. You held my tiny hand for the whole 4 hours.. I still remember the watch that you are wearing. A silver one that was too big for you.. When there's too much blood, you helped me tap dry and hold it there for me. I was happy that day. After all is done, you brought me to Guardian and buy me the lotion for tattoo and reminded me that I have apply it every time after my shower. I did it.

Every now and then you'll text me random stuffs. You tried to woo me before but I rejected because I still love Ben a lot. After knowing that I am back together with Ben you seldom text me already. And you said that you don't want the same thing to happen to me again.. The last time you called me was earlier this year and I scolded you because you pranked me. I got so angry that I ignored your text. The last text message was April this year.. You sent me a long and meaningful text message telling me that I have to be strong.. That was the last time I heard from you....

Until yesterday, the news shocked me. 

I will never receive any random text from you anymore.

I will never hear from you anymore.

Never again.

Initially the tattoo was to remind me that I have to stay strong.. But now.. it changed. My tattoo was for you. The guy who will never ignore me whenever I am feeling down.. 

Goodbye Chun Wei.. You're safe and sound now. You'll never have to be worried about those stupid policeman anymore. You can now put your mind at ease and never be worried about anything anymore. 

If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again.

Rest in peace my friend. You'll forever be in my heart. Forever...

It was a sleepless night. I toss and turn and I couldn't get to sleep. But.. I eventually did after 30 minutes. It was such a blurry dream that I couldn't remember. I literally jumped up from the blurry dream and thought of you. Did you woke me up and wanted to tell me something? I couldn't sleep at all after that. I was staring at the red light of the charger feeling scared. I couldn't sleep at all.. I checked my phone it was 1.11am. So quiet.. I decided to wake my mom up and I slept beside her like a child. I felt shivers behind me. It was so cold.. So cold... And I fall asleep again.. Woke up at 3am and saw a stream of white light.. Something that I did not see before.. Were you there? Were you really there?



For you...

All the flashbacks

I am lost for words. We were once so close together.. Its all gone.

Just to remind you

Just so you know, you can never be me and will never be. 

If you think that you can bring me down by all your dirty means and ways, bring it. I'll wait and see. What more did me, Jennifer, not went through? I've seen so many fucking stuffs more than you do and go through so many fucking stuffs more than you do. 

You this ugly piece of thing that is just a burden to the society. Go fuck yourself till you bleed and die. Please spare us the agony to see one less person like you in this world. Heal the world make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race. 

Luvvvvsad

“A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.”

~Josh Billings

***

I have to admit, this week is such a sucky week. :( I don't know why is it sucky but its just plain sucky. I have to force myself to fit into the surrounding, feel happy. I feel sucky. The food is sucky. Everything is sucky. I hate to feel this way. Maybe I am getting too emotional already. Letting unnecessary thoughts run through my mind and took over my emotions. It was plainly idiotic to feel this way because there's no reason to. :( Damn it. Why am I having this heavy heart? 

Probably... The reason is because Ben cannot book out tomorrow. How fucking sucky this is!! The only day that I always look forward to has been ruined because of some stuffs. :( Damn bloody sad to max. Sigh. I can feel my face being very sad and gloomy. Yes, I can fucking feel it. Nothing can make me happy for now.. Nothing.

Maybe some chill pills to calm myself. I need to.

I need to meet you.. :(

Harpeee

"Bb  you know hor, I really love you really wanna marry you and start a family. But I need to be financially stable.. I don't want anyone to suffer..."

24/10/10 11:02PM

Mundane

This week was such a mundane week. School end at 2 or 3 almost everyday. That's a plus point anyway. Modules this semester is more difficult than the first semester. :( 

Didn't head out at all during the weekends.  Fucking restless and all due to the monthly thing. Fucking hate it. Argh. Ben came over to accompany me and at the same time study for his law test. Am now waiting for him to come over my place again. This time, I'll do my tutorial and he will study again. Poor bb. Anyway his block leave is arriving soon!! Yayayy! Total of 13 days! And he promised to pick me up from school. Lets see if he keep his promise. Teeheeeee!

I.. can't breathe!

School has been pretty alright lately. Nothing much going on except for rushing to school and that haze thingy going on. Its pretty disturbing because the morning breeze is no longer a breeze. The moment you step out of your house, you don't feel the freshness of air anymore. I feel that it was as though you're smoking 24 hours. Even the smell is about the same. Fuck it. I can't breathe. Fuck this shit. It is fucking irritating. Some geeks or whichever fellow humans please do something about this fucking haze because I can slowly feel that I am dying. Serious.

Anyway, my favourite snack!

I called Ben just now and asked him to guess what am I eating. He got it right! Telepathy!

New semester! Modules are getting difficult already. But I think I can manage POM because I've learnt it before. 

Messages are lessen because I am busy with school. :( But.. Time really do pass damn fast. So meeting Ben will be faster! I am very tired.

Samsung

Ben and I are gonna invest ourselves with a camera! The both of us come to an agreement that wherever we go, we'll take pictures together as memories.

Anyway, I've been raving about Samsung camera since last year. It was a tad too expensive that can cost up to SGD500. Depends on where you get it. Hence, I dropped the idea and admire it from afar. Damn sad, I know. But seeing Samsung catching up with technology on digicams and having the awesome function called beauty shot, I guess it is time that I have to own it. What's more? For being such a narcissist, I ought to own it because their selfshot pictures is the best of the best of the best because of the screen in front!

Hopefully I'll saved enough and get it by mid December. Hee! Preparing for Christmas mah!

A good ol' week.

It was an awesome week spent and sadly, it is coming to an end. :( Last four days of my hols is really a blast! Met up with FC and had Sakae. Went over to her shop and accompany her till it closed. Haha! Chitty chatty so much stuffs!! The both of us can really relate to one each other! Zar came back from Aussie and we went Lau Pa Sat for dindin and later on Nana for some drinks on Friday. Hehe! Saturday is a shopping day and it was superb! Fatty came over and meet Ben and I. Talked so much stuffs and the both of them really made my day. We laughed non stop, its really non stop! Went over to Parkway Parade, Toby's for dindin. The place where they used to have their attachment as a chef. Their food is superb!!!! Had 2 plates of hot wings, shepherd's pie, spicy marinara and pork pizza. For their dessert, its the bomb! I forgot the name but its actually ice cream in brownie and then covered with meringue - burnt. Not really to my liking coz its a little too sweet for me. Today was just a normal day spent with Ben over at his place. Talked quite a bit about so many stuffs. So glad to have him because he taught me so much stuffs!!

The arctic bombshell if I'm not wrong.

Anyway, it is really a nice place to dine in. Their food is really tasty and you'll crave for more everytime! Trust me, it is definitely worth the money! :)

School. It will be the 2nd semester tomorrow and I wonder how it will go about. I chanted for a smooth semester ahead and everything will all go well. :) Its time to get busy again! One thing I dread is the pathway to school coz its a killer. Hot and stuffy like fuck. Confirm perspire like siao. Moreover, the weather these days aren't really good.

Another 5 days again.

今天我想用华文来写这个post. 不过我的华语不是很好，所以请多多原量我的错字。其时这几天都过得很开心， 因为上个星期我发现我的人生里都有好多关心我的人。你问我，我是怎么发现的呢？这很简单。。因为我收到了一个人的SMS。那个人只是简简单单的问我发生了什么事还有最经过的好不好。虽然我们很少见面但是他还是会问候我，after读了我的post. 不知道为什么我觉得好感动。。 其实在九月的时候我的心情真的好差好差， 因为我觉得我再你人生中以今不重要了。。 后来也没去想这么多就想想随便啦， 反正还有很多事情需要我去操心。。而且你也许真的是很忙， 我也无话可说。不过后来才发现， 一切都是骗人的。。 就我说的我以今不重要了。那时我的确是蛮难过可是我想了又想，是因为那件于我无关的事情吗？也许是吧。。也许你还没我想像中的那么成熟吧。这也不可以怪你，因为事情得出发点是因为那个而起的。 我只是单纯的想你们两做个朋友，可是我却没想到你们。。。咳。。 事情都发生了，我又能正样。我真的好后悔介绍他给你认识。

都以今一个月多了。。我想该是时候往前看而不要再为这个与我无关的事情而闷闷不乐了。如果起初我对你来说是个重要的朋友，你就不会不联络我。朋友对你而言是什么？一个陪你去喝酒的人吗？一个跟你一样会玩到疯的人吗？或择朋友对你而言是仪个了解你，关心你，十传世到而且accept any setbacks and go through with you without any hesitation的人吗？对不起，我想我玩也没玩得那么疯，喝酒是烂透的一个人。

一且也太迟了。。 我心中的朋友number 1以今被一个会关心我，了解我，知道我的感受，帮助我的人给取代了。

算了，我想没我这个朋友都无所谓因为你那些陪你玩到疯的朋友就以祝够了。

从今开始，没有你生活还是得造过，而且还会跟好因为我终于把心里想说的话给写在这个post。

Anyway, I had a super fun day today! Someone whom can relate to me and treat me like no outsider and talk like there's no tomorrow. Lets have the chocolate and TCC soon!

Sometimes, I really wonder why didn't I have thoughts. People make random thoughts about how's their life, what has been going on and what are they thinking of right now. But why do I always have a blank mind until the weekends arrive when I meet Ben? This is weird. I am actually kinda afraid of this situation right now. Wait a minute, am I saying my own thoughts in this post now? Its weird. This is scaring me. How do I actually portray any thoughts on my mind and sink into deep realisation or conclusion? I think I've got no life that's why I don't have any day to day thoughts of conclusion to be made. But, what makes me think so that people with their own busy life have random conclusion of thoughts to be made? Ok, I am confusing myself right now. But, still, it is scaring me a little because I feel extremely abnormal not having any thoughts on my mind now and then. 

Anyway, Zar is in SG right now. Might be meeting him on Friday for some chillax at some bar. No, it should be will be meeting him because I need to collect something back from him. Ben asked me to plan the outing for the night. Anyone any recommendations on which bar is nice? I don't want Timbre please because I want no live band. Preferably a jazzy kind of music bar, perfect dim and cosy lightings for... making out in the dark, not. Hahahaha.. Nevermind, I'll just go Google it. Or maybe I'll ask my Sis for some recommendations because she has got such a hardcore night life these days.

I just received a notification from Facebook.. Oh, was a message...

Firstly, I mind because you don't have a profile picture of your face (if you're goodlooking maybe I'll give). Secondly, minimum information about you turns me off. Thirdly, I am not a xmm who will give my numbers to people whom I don't even know. Lastly, I think it is pretty disturbing that all your Facebook friends are 90% women. Ahhhhh shit, why do I even accept you as a friend back then? Remove. I don't like people who are straightforward.. Beating about the bush is the game for me. Anyone? I prefer pick up lines to say that I'm pretty/beautiful/lovely/nice/whatsoever because I like people's admiration about me and I will show some appreciation by at least replying you a "Hey there. :) Sorry, I don't give my numbers to strangers. Anyway thanks for the compliment. Take care!" Messages above will be a chop and 100% chop ignored. 

Come on, girls like compliments and admiration. Right?

If I've got a chance I will want to try this.

I miss 2009.

I read back my 2009 entries just now. It was full of different emotions. Why is it so mundane now in 2010? :(

Life is so happening back then. What happened? Is it because Ben went NS and life has been so stagnant for me lately? I had my best birthday in year 2009 with Ben. The necklace he gave me was lost, I posted pictures diligently, I took pictures wherever I go.. I think I should really invest in the Samsung cam that I always wanted. He brought me to so many places and brought so much fun into my life. What happened this year?

I've stopped taking pictures.
I've been self indulging in deep thoughts.
I've been fagging too much.
I've not achieve anything yet.
I've been cooping myself up lately.
I've been on a roller coaster ride now and then.
Worst.. I am not happy at all this year.

What's wrong? What is fucking wrong?

Maybe I'll just sort it out with Ben tomorrow. Since he is booking out tomorrow evening.. We'll probably discuss it over dinner/supper.

I want to live my life to the fullest like how I did in 2009. So much fun and laughter.

It is time for some changes before 2010 come to an end. :)

Anyway, I found this picture of my Grandma during her 72nd birthday last year. She's beautiful.

I met her 2 days ago and she's aging so fast. Too fast. She has been always a strong and diligent woman. I've never seen her shed a single tear in my entire 20 years of life. And.. I feel bad. I didn't even take any pictures with her at all.. I think I'll take a few pics with her when she's over at my place next time. Same goes for Mom and Dad. :)

Mine did

Did your boyfriend tell you how beautiful you are and always will?

Mine did.

I think every men who has a girlfriend should tell them how beautiful they are and those sweet nothings at least once per week. Who wouldn't love compliments and be appreciated? It just... brighten up your entire day. 

I don't know why I feel so happy today. Maybe because I had my macaroni! But no.. I think it was because of the companion. It made me feel that I am not alone after all these while. I just feel that I got cared by someone who was silently reading my blogpost and asking me "Am I alright". It was... such a simple gesture that made me feel I am wanted. Although I am so afraid of the awkwardness beforehand but everything just falls into place when I met you. This connection with you is something that is indescribable. Thank you so much for asking. Thank you so much for caring. Thank you.

Excited!

I can't wait for Thursday to arrive!!!

You know, I know.

Nothing but you

So... I chose this lovely Revlon Colorstay in Toast! I don't know why it is selling so freaking expensive in SG. Sigh. Like 2 times more than US man. But its good stuff so I think it is worth the money. Anyway, I have yet to try it. Maybe I'll play with this lovely later on when I feel like experimenting new eye color. Hehe thank you my dear boyfriend for buying it for me. This is his first time actually allowing me to buy make ups and whats more he's paying for it! He always think that I am wasting my money because I keep buying make ups and all. :( But this is the first time that he actually bought it for me! Heh heh.

I'm gonna catch some ang moh drama now. I am bored to death already!!! GLEE here I come come come~ So many drama to watch when there is such a thing called streaming leh~ 

OH YA I PLAYED L4D2 AND IT IS FREAKING AWESOME LEHZZ. I wanna play again!! Although I suck at it but its so fun! Hahahahahahahahaaaa! I keep almost want to die and the guys keep giving me their health pack. :( Damn pai seh. Heh heh heh.. BABY THIS WEEKEND OKIE?! 

Tell me I've got my best...

Super love them.

Ben: Just pick anything off the shelves and I'll buy it for you.

Me: Really ah? Sure or not??

Ben: Ya. *held my hand*

Me: Okay!! 

Guess what I bought? Hehehehe!

I am crazeeeee!

I guess I am crazy over that guy in the novel!!!! 

You have to satisfy the urge.

I just got the urge to blog.

Memories, memories, memories. A thing that will either haunt you or leave you feeling happy when you think about it. It was actually memories that always make us reminisce and think of how things have changed for the better and how you actually entered a different phase of life during these years. I will entering my next phase of life real soon. I will make sure I make the best out of everything so that when it become a memory, it is a memory that will make me smile unknowingly.

When is his turn?

When can my baby POP? :(

Independence

I guess I am not that independent yet.

Last week was such a torment week for me. Ever since I came back from Bintan, things had been going downhill. I almost break down oh wait a minute, I break down a few times in one day. I cried my lungs out like some motherfucker drunkard bitch. I seriously don't know what happened that week. Everything was alright to begin with but I just fucking screwed it up. Well, it isn't entirely MY FAULT but I think I hold a bigger percentage of it. Glad that things had been resolved and my life is at the peak again! Although this vacation was not much fun but I think I spent it quite wisely? Been reading and reading and reading lately. Super love how the author actually bring me to another world and from there I picture everything in my mind myself.

I can't wait for October 15th to come! Ben promised to bring me for a shopping spree to prepare myself for the next semester. Hehe. Talking about semester... Results were released yesterday and I am very very disappointed. Not that I failed but I just feel that if I did not study last minute I would have scored better. My time management this time round is freaking bad. :( Never in my life I scored such a low GPA. Never. I am always on the high side of the GPA but this time round I think I am at my lowest. If there is anything lower than what I am currently holding, I will and definitely cry. Perhaps, I am setting such a high goal for myself that when I don't achieve it I am fucking depressed. Ya ya, I told everyone that I don't feel like studying after my diploma but.. Why am I still chionging for my GPA? I don't know either.

I guess everything just sums up to I am playing my part as a student and as a daughter to do my parents proud. I guess it is that simple.

Sometimes it is not that I don't want to join you with your family members. It was because I feel awkward and I want the both of us to have some time alone. Ever since you enlist into NS, we have always been spending time with your family members. I stay over your place and all. I feel that it is not right to be staying over your place almost every week. Me myself hate it a lot because I am not even engaged with you and whatsoever but I kept staying over at your place. Your parents pay for my dinner every weekend. I feel so... bu hao yi si. It is not I don't like your parents. It was because I feel that I have to appear goody goody and presentable. I cannot be myself.. I feel so stressed sometimes and I don't know what to do when I am over at your place. I know you are stressed over this issue but I don't want you to be stressed either. I feel so bad having you to schedule everything just to please both sides. I know you love your family a lot.. But please.. You have to spare a thought for me as well.. I don't want your family to see me as a petty and unreasonable girl.. Because everytime when I say I don't wish to join you guys you just went ahead and tell your family that you're not attending in an angry manner. It sound as though it is all my fault... Sigh.

I'm feeling much better!

I woke up with puffy eyes. Cannot even see my double eyelid! :( But its okay, I'm feeling better now. In fact much much much better than yesterday! 

I've got no mood to blog. Hehe meeting Ben later. Finally after 12 days!!! Both of us had waited so long! I can't wait. Even if I am having a little cramp I'd still go meet my lovely boy. He sent the most touching and sweetest message this morning at 5am. 

I'll persevere on because I know I can get out of this shithole. :) So what if I've got no friends. I've got the loveliest babies on Earth. 

Love.

It was a frightful night. I forced myself to sleep and I did it. I woke up feeling bruised and torn. One new message that doesn't even make me feel better. I stopped. Now I am gonna go to the indian mama shop and buy my fags. Today is the 4th. If I can persevere more it will be good. But I can't. I need it to calm myself. I want no cold hands and feet I am feeling so weak and torn. I don't want to be a loser. Hush. No crying. Everything is gonna feel better when the toxic just fills your lungs.

Forget the times he walked by, Forget the times he made you cry, 

Forget the times he spoke your name, Remember now your not the same. 

Forget the times he held your hand, Forget the sweet things if you can,

Forget the times & Don't pretend, Remember now he's just your friend.

Truth

Actually all along, this is nothing compared to everything that I thought of. Say I am naive or I am dumb. I am struck twice, this time with only a heavy heart. Why? Maybe I am all prepared for the worst because I know preparation for it is important. I stepped in unprepared and now I am gonna step out with a prepared heart and face the worst that I thought is always a fairytale.

Such love.

"Love would never be a promise of a rose garden unless it is showered with light of faith, water of sincerity and air of passion."

Clap

Didn't fag at all after my return from Bintan. And now I need it so much. Because of you.

I just hope that this will end quickly because I know I can't take it anymore.

I am back.

Yoohooooo! I am back from Bintan. Ok, I was back from Bintan last evening!

It... was not a very nice trip I must say. I'll tell you more when I feel like blogging again and with pictures!

Baby, can we go Desaru instead of Bintan if we want a getaway? Baby please...

Almost Heaven

So.. My cousin bought me this romance book from Judith Mcnaught on my birthday this year. I only started reading it now because hehe, I've got all the time in the world now! 

Everytime, when I start picking up this book and read the first few pages, I will put it down and go do other stuffs. But for today, I sat down and read and read and read and the more exciting it got because I wanted to know the past and what happened. Hahahahahaaa! It is a very different book from what I always read. Like.. for example P.S I love you is totally different from this book. I don't know how to put it in words but yeah, what my cousin said is true. This author is totally worth your time flipping through chapters and chapters of her book. Thumbs up! 

Anyway I'm leaving Bintan in the morning tomorrow for a short getaway! This book comes just in time because it will be tanning at the beach with a book and a drink and an Itouch! TEEHEEE! Oh, I will be trying snorkelling for the very first time of my life and I reckon will be the last. I super dislike the sea and whats more.. I can't swim. :( But its a lifetime experience and the underwater world is so much of a difference on land. Por pi everything goes well. I tell ya, I super scared!

I'll be back on a Sunday night. So yeah.. Can't even meet Ben for a short while. :( 12 days didn't get to see him. 

Alright, take care everyone! Hehehehehehehe!

For you, Benji

I've never felt so blessed to be with the man I love so much. Everyday, this feelings grow and it has never stopped growing.  

He is the man, that watched me fall and see me grow. 

He is the man, that I always share my problems with.

He is the man, that always listen to me whenever something is troubling me.

He is the man, that taught me so many things that I've never known.

He is the man, that loves kiki as much as I do.

He is the man, that cooks my favourite dishes.

He is the man, that will always be my side.

He is the man, that love me with all his heart.

He is the man, that always give me hope.

He is the man... That made me.. Become.. Who I am today..

Thank you so much Ben.

A little update

Went shopping with Ben yesterday! I'm so jealous. I really don't understand why male VANS shoe is so fucking pretty and wow but female ones are just so ordinary! Major dislike! Humph. And yes, Ben bought himself a havianas and a VANS shoe. Both so pretty! :( I got nothing for myself. BUT! Ben bought me a Adidas purple waterbottle which I always wanted above. Thanks love. Hehe shopping again on the 15th! I can't wait and we didn't really celebrate our anni yesterday because everything was so rush. :( But its okay! Hehe!

Anyway, I went clubbing with my Sis and her friends on wednesday. Super underdress me because it was such a impromptu decision. Anyway, had fun because my Sis's friends were like so fucking funny to the max. Hahahahahaaaaa.. 

Helped Rosy to make up! Hehehehe. Anyone want make up services? ;P

One of the bosses at Attica. :D

More photos on fb!

See, told ya! I am freaking under dress and the bouncer even made fun of me of being short. Bloody sad and I wanna hide from that place forever. :(

Okay, and I hate the length of my hair now. Not long not short is the worst length. KNS. 

Ben called so gtg!