Loserish

Feeling like a god damn loser. The promise that I wanna keep to myself has been broken. Why like that? Sigh..

Sometimes I feel that I care too much. I know, caring is a good thing but I think I care about the wrong stuffs. Which you know, I don't get any appreciation back. Which in turn makes me upset..

When can I ever be able to care for myself more? This just suck. And I find it difficult to reject people these days.. :( why oh why..

Oh yeah, I've finally seen your true colors.. Fuck you man seriously. I feel like an idiot to take the first step. And you must be treating me like a fool and thinking that I wouldn't be able to live without you! You're so wrong man. You took the wrong step and you exceeded my limit of tolerance. You're becoming an eyesore to me that I don't even wanna bother about anything already. the reason why I'm still nice cuz I believe everyone deserves a chance.. But you just took the second chance for granted. Too bad then. That's it. It's over for you, for us.

You just made me realized that the problem doesn't lie in me. It's you. You you you!


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Boredom

Boredom is killing me. Seriously. I'm gonna die of it soon. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!

And I'm so tired.

Supposed to be a no food day today but I failed terribly. :( why!!!! And when you know you're hungry and you refuse to eat, the feeling is damn shiok!

Sigh..

I'm wondering how my birthday will be like this year. The thought of it is pretty scary. But seriously, for the past 6 years I'm having someone celebrating it for me. Now that I'm all alone, I don't even look forward to my birthday at all. But! My awesome babies actually booked a hotel room to celebrate my advanced birthday! Wooyeahhhhh!! Super love them!!!! super happy!!! But that's gonna be in advance. How bout on the actual day itself? :(

Maybe I should stop thinking about it. What suck the most is that the next day is gonna be vday. And fc and I made a pact to go catch a romance movie on vday. Such pathetic loners..

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Reunion lunch 2012

Happy Lunar New Year everybodeh~

This year's reunion was a special one. We had our reunion lunch instead of the every year's dindin! Every year's food would be prepared by dearest Mom. And as she age every year, the food is becoming lesser and lesser. :( This simply shows that she's too old to continue to do everything like how she used to do it every year already. It really saddens me.. It's now time for us to in turn take care of our parents.. But I'm so not prepared to do so yet. Can't wait to fucking graduate and support my parents.

Lunch this year was because Sis had to report to work. Just so you know, she's a stewardess. Sigh. Life of a stewardess is pretty much fucked up. And, last year we had Red House 盆菜 which is so fucking yum yum. This year we bought it from Crystal Jade and it suck like some motherfucking bitch lah! SO ANGRY. I eat till very dulanz can. Other than the radish and abalone, everything is inedible. Well, to me. I don't eat fish maw, pork knuckles, very weird sea cucumber which looks like a dick got infected kind of thing, pig's vein kind of thing, PIG'S TONGUE (CCB), tao kee and some fucking weird stuffs lah. So I keep spamming the prawn my mom cooked. But still, I'm enjoying the company of my family. Been years since we really sat down and have an actual reunion dinner. :) Me shoxz harppy!

1 more minute to 初一!

HAPPY CNY~~~~~~ Hehe.

Anyway, I really hope Dad will just say forget about going house visitings tomorrow!! I don't want to go their house!!!! They will question me like some criminal lah. Hate to update them about my life and be all so goody goody. :(

Loyang Tua Pek Gong earlier in the evening. Weehehehehoohohoh. Purposely brought camera along to take pics of cai shen ye. Lim bei want to huat huat HUAT THIS YEAR!!!! Wu feeling want to huat~!

Sunshine after the rain

EMRS 

Favourite girls

Gossips

Chillings

Coffee Bean

Polaroid films

Infamous funny trademark twist

Laughters

Joy

Tired

All happened in a day. It just makes you feel loved. 

Self realisation

I guess its really over. I think the song 'Over You' really suit me right now.

My sixth sense is telling me that something is wrong and it has been bothering me for the entire day. Feeling super duper uneasy. I don't wanna doubt nor do I wanna question about it. I want the truth to be known naturally.. Without me digging every bits and pieces out. And tell me, who the hell am I to do that now?

For the past month, I don't even know what the hell am I doing. School, chill, club and home every week. Harming my body with more and more nicotine. It's like my daily meal. I can even skip meals and smoke the whole day just to keep me full. This explains why I look sick and I AM SICK. And it also fucking explain why my cough isn't recovering at all. At the rate like this, I'll probably die at the age of 30.

It was recently that I realised, I've always been neglecting the people around me for the past 6 years. I've never known and felt that I've been loved by many before. All along, the people around me cared so much that I didn't even realise it. I'm always turning my back against them regardless of any situation that I'm facing. Cuz I always thought that I'm strong enough to handle every single problem myself and having you just makes everything better. But then, I was so wrong.

Now that you're gone, I'm lost. I'm never as strong as I thought I am. Maybe I was living in self denial all along that having you is the best thing on Earth.. You solve everything for me when I'm facing shitloads. But when it comes to our problem, I find myself struggling. In fact, both of us are struggling. Struggling to breathe and solving the problem.. You always tell me to sleep the problem away and tomorrow will be a better day. I did and it just accumulates.. The problem never did go away.. Never..

After losing you, my circle of friends widened.. I'm loving the life I'm leading now... I'm thankful for all my friends around me. Really grateful for their guidance and help. And I open up to them more now. I'm no longer keeping all the emotions in me.. I let it all out and it never felt so great before.

I guess you're all ready to move on. I wish you all the best and thank you for all the wonderful memories you've given me. It will be etched deeply in my heart. And I really hope you'll find yourself back. The Ben that I've just met. So suave and playboyish. You taught me many stuffs that I've never known. I'll always remember everything that you've done for me. And seeing you grow up is the best thing that had happened in my life. Good luck for your future endeavours and I hope you find the right girl soon. :)

Missed

It has been about a month that I'm being single...

I can't particularly say that I like it. Imagine, I've been attached for 6 years and suddenly everything is gone. It's something that I'm trying very hard to adjust myself to. Although I might appear to be happy, moving on with life pretty well and whatnot but I'm struggling to sleep every night.. Going home extremely late, partying although there's school the next day to make myself fucking tired so I won't think of anything in between has officially make me sick for a week.

I don't know why am I harming my body this way. But it just feels so fucking good to know that my mind and body is tired and it wouldn't be such a chore to sleep in the night. Feels so fucking great.. Now my body has weakened and I can't afford to party anymore, my mind started running wild.

Just last night when I'm home from the reunion dinner, I feel so empty. Why am I walking alone? Where is my other half? Why is it there's no one holding my hand anymore? Why am I not reporting to anyone about me going home anymore? Why? What the fuck happened? It was then I came to realise that yes, I'm single now. I'm all alone. All fucking alone. There's no one for me to call when I'm on my way home when the road home is so dark. I feel so scared but there's no one for me to call or reach out to.

I miss being loved, hugged and what a couple does. It's all gone. All gone..

I know that I cannot turn back time anymore. I know that the decision made was a final one. I just have to move on and be happy.

I miss being a couple. I miss the feeling. The emptiness is kicking in and I'm feeling so terrible. So fucking terrible.... :'(

Singlehood

I know I haven't been blogging lately. I don't know how should I break the news to outsiders. Needless to say, people closest to me knew about what happened. 
Okay.. Ben and I broke up. The 6 years relationship has ended. 
I want to stress on it was a mutual agreement. But to some, it may seem that I initiated the break up. I don't know. Maybe its because I appear to be okay and nothing's changed. 
I've finally decided to walk out of it. So many things had happened. I don't know how to put it. And moreover, its over and there isn't a need for me to go on full details on what happened. 
And, to his friends, you guys may think that I'm a bitch for doing it. But let me tell you, my conscience is clear and fuck you, I don't need to waste my time to explain anything or apologize. Both of us did no wrong and there isn't any third party involved. 
Just because I didn't cry out loud doesn't mean I'm not hurt/sad.Just because I enjoy my life now doesn't mean I'm fucking happy. 
You guys should just mind your fucking own business and stop brain washing him to hate me. I did no wrong, why must he hate me? I don't want this to end it in a nasty way. So wake up your fucking ideas and help him to move on. 
And few days later after the break up, I decided to go for a new tattoo. Both my tattoos meant something to me. They are my daily reminders..  
Now what's my focus? 
To graduate from Poly.Earn money.Be happy.
Bye.. 

2012

Ended 2011 with a tinge of sadness, many wonderful memories and beautiful friends.

2012 is just another year. Not gonna list down any resolutions. It's useless.