Not happy

You know, I've never once wanted to blog about it because I don't want others to pin point me about this situation. But things has been going in the wrong direction lately and it is crossing my limits very soon.

I've never once wanted to lose this respect to you and have been trying really really fucking hard not to get this hatred get within me. But I've been facing it every single day with the same problem that I find it hard to cope with the emotions already. I feel that this hatred thing is getting into me, unknowingly. I am not happy at all. I'm tired of ignoring. So very tired. No one can help me to solve this situation. But sometimes, I just needed to rant about it and people just shove me with "Just ignore" to make me shut the fuck up. It just makes me feel worst and lost cause that's when I realised, they are not facing the problem together with me. In fact, I think I am the only person who is facing this stressfulness that is still arising.

Ben told me, its either you turn the situation around or you just live with it. But the thing is, the problem doesn't lies in me. I know this problem is inevitable but with my own pair of eyes, I see that it only happens to me. I admit that I am person who will have the worst attitude ever if you ever push your fucking guts around and irritates me. I get frustrated really easily and I won't do things that is beyond my own rights. If after my own reflection, I still think that I am not in the wrong, I find no reason why should I change/apologise just to accommodate the situation so that both parties can be happy. The reason is simple, I am not in the wrong and I strongly has my own stand. I need no fucking passerbys or you, you and you to tell me what should I do. The person that should change, is not me but you.

Speaking of this situation, I've already lost my clear mind to think. I get irritated, frustrated, angry and depress. But I literally swallowed this emotions back into me cuz I don't wanna flare up. It's simple, cuz I did it out of respect. A fucking word: respect. I don't want to hurt any party nor do I want people to look at me is an unfilial child. Cuz I know I am not. I am trying my very best to stay cool. Very fucking cool...

I don't want things to turn out nasty. I just hope somebody can enlighten this situation to make us feel better. But.. I lost all hope when I heard that many methods and talkings had been used but nothing is taking effect at all. So, in the end, I just have to live with it. Am I right? Yes so fucking right.

Results are not making me any happier too. Althought my GPA is still above 3 but I just feel that I can do better than this when I am not living in this current situation. I know that I shouldn't blame, but what? How would you feel when you're mugging and somebody comes in and stares right behind your back everyday? How would you feel that when you're thinking real hard for an answer and somebody just comes into the room and ask you questions which you've already answered, a no? How would you feel that when you're really concentrating and people comes in the room and forced you about something? How would you feel if you were to study in the dark and people is just sleeping beside you snoring?

People just don't want to understand the situation I am going through. They thought that it is just the easy peasy kind of shit. But let me tell you, it is not easy peasy because you face the same problem every single day. Who knows? Nobody. No one. Just because it is not happening to them, they think that it is easy to handle such situation. I don't know how to solve this situation. Don't know... It seems like there's actually nothing I can do.

No one should deserve this. No one.

And people whom I thought will care, does not.

Sometimes, I just need people to fully understand how I am feeling. I know it is difficult but never once did I expect much from my friends nor my loved ones.

I am a person who don't usually share my sorrows with others. But that doesn't mean that I am alright all the time when I don't share. I know, if I don't say who will know? Right..

I got to admit that I am always afraid that people will laugh at my sorrows.. That's why I choose not to share nor speak up. I know it's stupid but I don't wanna be a laughing stock. It was that bad..

Afterall, everyone is gonna be alone in the end. Why bother on who treats you better or who will be there.


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Life's good.

Fuck yeah!!


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I feel unwanted sometimes.

lurve moi boifwen.

Super grateful.
Super love him.
Super boifwen.

I'm seriously wondering who are these people speaking in Malay in my tagboard!

Maybe they are bots from some kind of website but it's weird! The webby I clicked on contain no virus nor whatsoever! So who the hell are they?!

Anyway im sick. So terrible horrible! The sore in my throat is really killing me everytime when I'm just swallowing my saliva. I don't even feel like opening my mouth to speak. It is that painful. :(

Oh shucks! I totally forgot about the honey lemon in my bag! It was supposed to be refrigerated! :(

And I'm damn pissed. KTPH did not bank my money. I think it was probably cuz I didn't print out the form to sign. But nevertheless! Every month they WOULD have collected the monthly punchcards and would have found something amiss when they didn't see my form what! Help me print out will die meh?! Just tally with the punchcard will do and pay me as usual. Unless they don't bother checking and just throw my punchcard!! Moreover, I didn't even work for a month! How do u want me to print out the form?! The form thing is seriously stupid! Bloody hell, I did work for a few days during aug and they fucking pay me. If not I'll go there and make a scene.

Irresponsible as it is. This simply shows they don't care about their workers at all. And maybe their patients too! No wonder so many complains.

Better fucking pay me!


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Sometimes I just wish I can voice out any thoughts that was running through my mind without hurting.. But humans always "choose" to listen to nice things. Hell to that. 

I did something really really guilty that whenever I think of it, it really disgust me. No confessions, no no no. Don't bother asking, I wont say,.

I've been clubbing more this year. I dont wanna it to become a habit that I need to club every week. But I just love to go club and dance to the rhythm and be crazy. Bad. This is bad. I shouldn't even be doing it. Was forcing bf to club with me so that I can enjoy myself and not be wary of the surroundings. Like I can have fun without any worries.. But he refused to and always give me the look. The look as in don't fucking ask me to club, I hate it.. Well, I shall stop for the time being and see how it goes. The last time really scares me cuz I felt numbness. And I don't even know what did I said to ben on the phone. 

And well, no words can describe how much I love my sibs. They are the best people on earth that really cares about me and I can share anything with.. Felt fortunate, really. 

I need to rant about something but I'm afraid that people will misunderstand me and they cant really sense my tone in the post. 

6th

When all goes wrong and my life runs amok,

I think of you, and I get unstuck;

In the midst of chaos, you make my heart sing;

You're my peace, my happiness, my everything.

Happy 6th anniversary to Bennifer!!!

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